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introspection

A Short Introspection on the nickname 'Timber Tom'

This is extra short, but just a fun little explanation either way: I never really knew my dad as Timber Tom. That was a nickname he used as a forester and parks service worker, which he was never during my "memory years" (>10 years old). It was also his IRC name along with friends Tor (who may or may not have something to do with Tor Browser, TBD) and some others in the Mt. Shasta IRC groups that I may eventually find logs or names from/about. The reason I always refer to him as Timber Tom is because I believe that it is important to speak about someone that you think is great in a great way. You don't call Superman "some dude", you call him a superhero, or the Hero of Metropolis. You don't call Master Chief "John", you call him MASTER CHIEF, or THE CHIEF. Someone's nickname, especially in their legacy, is so important because it gives future people a glimpse into the world that they were apart of, as well as reminds you of what others thought about them. It signifies or represents the best parts of a person, or the most interesting or important.

While I don't think that the most important thing about Timber Tom was how good he was with a chainsaw, I do think the nickname properly represents how fucking cool he was. Who else has a nickname as catchy as TIMBER TOM?!

Tom Petty is really great (and other core memories)

I think it is really interesting how a single moment in your life can make such a profound impact, even when, at the time, it really didn't seem very significant. I had just broken up with a long term girlfriend and found my rebound in a really nice girl that lived like 50mi from my house. It took a fairly significant (for young me) drive to get to her house, and, given the fact that I didn't have a stable job, took a significant toll on my finances. But, I made it work because I thought she was pretty cool. We went to a big concert in Tuscon (my first ever big solo experience without my parents or financial help from my parents, very memorable). Once we got home, we hung out for a while and then went to bed. The next day, she said her mom was asking when she was going to be home, and I (to my mind) very clearly joked that she needed to find her own ride back. It was something along the lines of "you think I am gonna bring you home? Hahah, get a load of this!" in a very sarcastic tone. She did not get the memo that I was joking, and things kinda went wild.

My dad was pretty cool part 1

There is a snowstorm coming in tonight according to all major weather services, and it looks like it's gonna be a big one. I don't normally really care about winter weather because my job is very accepting of working from home, but this time I am a little more conscious of it because a girl I am sweet on might be able to hang out, but I would have to drive in the snow to give her a ride (drats!). Prescott has a history of really overplaying weather (or underplaying / no-playing ???) seemingly at random, so I wanted to go check the NWS radar to be sure. I look at this thing and have little to no idea what is going on. Like, there is a large blob over LA, and there is a REALLY large but presumably not very bad blob (due to the colors?) over the area between Havasu and Prescott. I really have no idea what I am looking at. But my dad would have!

Forgetting the nuance of what I am thinking

I have put in my server setup description how I created this site and my workflow for uploading documents. The shorthand is that I use VSCode as a "FTPSSH" where I can text edit and automatically upload, then run a command to build the website. In order to keep track of what I want to write about, I have a file where I jot my ideas with 1-2 sentences of what I mean. I constantly do this, and I usually come back a couple days or weeks later to finish my thought. The problem with this is that I regularly have an idea about what I want to say and how I want to say it, but when I go to revisit it, it has lost all of the nuance, or even that it has changed significantly because it makes more sense in my head.

I really feel upset about this because in my head I really am the smartest man in the world, but on paper I think I am the dumbest. If only they could see what is inside my head!

What makes work stressful (and why my job is more stressful than my father's, despite being far easier)

The other day I got to thinking: why are jobs difficult, and, more importantly, what makes jobs stressful? Stress means different things for different people, with some being stressed about social interaction, some stressed about the moral or societal implications of their job, others with the amount of effort and time they need to spend, etc. but I would like to propose an interesting personal comparison: my father's job as a California Forester, and my job as an IT/Tech Support/Web Design Grunt.

A Timber Tom-n't Christmas

This is the second Christmas that I spent without my dad, and it was A LOT harder than the first. The first Christmas I was more "in shock" so to speak, like the whole concept of my dad not being there was so foreign that I literally half expected him to show up and say "sorry I'm late, my truck wouldn't start" or something like that. The second Christmas, however, was a lot different. It was really hard to care about Christmas. I had all of these fun memories of when me and mom and dad would do all of the gifts all wrapped all nice and pretty, how I would play games in my room on my Xbox and my dad would yell "I need a finger in here" and I would put down my game and sprint into the dining room to put my finger on the spot where he would tie the ribbon around the present to get it nice and tight. Looking back, he definitely didn't need me as it is quite easy to do by yourself, but he wanted to keep the tradition alive.

I damaged my truck and now I can't stop thinking about object impermanence

Info

This post was a voice recording transcribed by my Pixel 8 Pro, then cleaned up, proofread, and formatted by ChatGPT. It has been carefully scrutinized to make sure that it still accurately conveys my original message, and is less than 2% different outside of grammatical changes

I was driving home today and I started thinking about the impermanence of objects. I damaged the fuck out of the right side of my car today – or my dad's truck. I hit the tree on the top of my driveway, and, pissed off, I ended up cutting it down. There's a huge dent and scrape on the right side of the truck. It's bad. It's not something that can't be fixed with some touch-up paint, but it made me think.

No matter how hard I try to keep this truck perfect, or how much effort I put into it, it's still going to eventually break down. I could keep this truck better than anyone has ever kept a truck, but eventually, even if it hits 400,000 miles, the engine will blow up. Or something unavoidable will happen, like I'll get hit head-on or t-boned, and the truck will be ruined. No matter how good care you take, something's eventually just going to break.

I don't really understand journaling

Before and during taking care of my dad while he had cancer, I started to journal. I am not 100% sure why, though, and that fact has been bugging me lately. It didn't really feel good or relieve any stress, I didn't share it with anyone (not like that would have helped anyway), and I still cannot bear to look back at it due to the sad feelings it reminds me of. Maybe one day I will look back at it, but I doubt it. I guess the point of this is that I do not fully understand the point of journaling or diaries. Like, do people write down the mundanities of their life and then just never look at it again? What benefit does that provide?

I could understand that it would be for documenting what was going on at the time, or like life lessons and teachings that were imparted at the time. But I guess it is a little late for me to try and document anything about my dad at this point. Too late to cry over spilled milk, though.

This site isn't as good as it's inspiration

I made this site after I saw my dad's old site because I already had the domain and thought it would be cool to try and recreate something that my dad did in my own way, as sort of an homage to him. However, I just had the realization that I didn't really make any of this. My dad posting my baby pictures comes to mind: he would put a banner at the top of the page to show everyone, but how would I do that with this ready made solution? Is the creation of something unique and personal and greater accomplishment and constructing than the retrofitting of something to work for your own purposes? My dad made his site by scratch, and while it is a lot more basic in functionality and technologies than my site, it is more personal and unique? I sure wish I could ask my dad his thoughts about this, but knowing him it would be something along the lines of "Who cares? Just have fun with it."

I guess I care, but I don't really know why...

Remembering Configuration I Did Yesterday

I am finding it hard to remember shit that I did yesterday when it comes to the mundanities of computers. I often wonder if it is because I am good with them so most of these things I ought to remember are naught but passing thoughts, or if it is because I really don't care that much about it and push it out of my mind to make way for things I subconsciously think are greater (currently, playing Mechabellum). Oh well, time moves on ⌛